Kevin Zegers as Edward Cullen

Danielle Panabaker as Bella Swan



Danielle Panabaker as Bella Swan and Jackson Rathbone as Edward. Observe the eyes!

 


Okay, so I only have one picture of him. I'm sorry. Can you do a better job? He's not very well-known...at all. They're calling Rachel Leigh Cook little known? Ha! Her career could eat this guy's career as a midday snack! So maybe you should push for him to play Edward and I'll be able to find pictures where he's not in the sun.

So Alex Ross's muse is pissed at me.
Now, I'm not going schytzo or anything.
But you know how sometimes you have these muses for a character or story and you want to work on that character but you can't? Well, that's what's going on with me. The conversation's pretty much like this:

[[And I will call her Ross because her first name's Alex and so is mine so it could get confusing if I don't use her last name.]]

Ross: *taps foot in general field work, bored out of mind*
Me: Patience.
Ross: What's patience?
Me: Something neither you nor I have.
Ross: Well then don't tell me to have something I don't have! *pause* Can't you just...speak for Mike yourself?
Me: No! The rule is 'no godmodding.' I set the rules. You can't expect me to break them.
Ross: I can...
Me: Just hold on. The person playing Michael is in another post as another character, and so am I.
Ross: Yeah? What character.
Me: Blake.
Ross: Why does Blake get your attention? I need attention!
Me: Shut up woman! You have enough attention. Blake doesn't get enough. Besides he's on a date.
Ross: Oh, I see. So your characters in a relationship get the special treatment. But the "strong as singles" get pushed into the background. Don't you think that's a little hypocritical?
Me: Take it up with Allie. She could have logged in as Mike, but she wanted to log in as Kashe.
Ross: I feel slighted.
Me: Slighted?
Ross: I'm being ignored.
Me: Stop whining. Just the fact that I'm conversing with my muse is scary enough. I'm not talking to you anymore.
*long silence*
Shit. Allie's computer shut down.
Ross: She deserved that.
Me: Be nice.
Ross: You should all get shut down!
Me: Oh yeah? And then what happens to you?
Ross: *thinks* shit. Hadn't thought of that.
Me: Alright, alright I'll log in as you *logs in*
Ross: Thank you.
Me: Not like I can do anything. You're stuck in general field work until Allie replies.
Ross: *pouts*
Me: Oh, grow up! Aren't you supposed to be like...the more mature me?
Ross: But I'm really boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored.
Me: Calm down. Look at the picture of Danny.
Ross: *suddenly alert* Which picture of Danny?
Me: The green sweater one.
Ross: oooh.



Okay like I said, I'm not going schytzo. I really heard no voices.  I know this character is fictional, this is just a back to back in my mind, copied out for humor. Amused?
...Alex

Have you noticed that if you cry in the morning, it leaves a pink rim around your eye for the rest of the day, and you breathe with just a little more difficulty for the rest of the day.  And even if no one else can see the pink rim, you can? And it haunts you as you look back and think "Why was I so stupid as to cry over something like that?" Yeah. I hate that about crying.
I hate crying.  Period.  Well, in myself.  In others, I allow it, but I'm not supposed to be that weak.  And if I'm going to cry, it should be because somebody died, not because my mom smacked me for being a smartass and I smacked her back because I have to stick up for myself and another screaming fight ensued.
I'm not supposed to be a dramaqueen.  I'm not supposed to be so weak. So vulnerable. I was like that for sixteen years and this year I told myself "No more."   I made my main roleplaying character to be most of what I am and everything I want to be.  Other than loud, highly choleric, and from Kentucky, she's strong, tough as nails, and knows how to deal with stress most of the time.  And just when I think that that is what I'm becoming, something like this happens and I slip right back into the way I was.  The way I apparently still am?
When am I ever going to grow up? When are people going to see the strong woman that I should be?  I feel almost trapped in this cycle of vulnerability and I'm sick of it.
...Alex


A dramaqueen is someone who enjoys being miserable and angsty.
So, if you are a drama queen, and you don't want to be a dramaqeen,
And you're trying to stop being a dramaqueen,
Are you really a dramaqueen?

So Nick's moving to California.



That's it. He's moving.



Well, what am I supposed to say? That I'm going to miss all the time we spend hanging out? That I'm going to be upset about this everyday and never forget about it? I mean what??????????? What do you friggin want from me!!!

Because the truth is we don't hang out. And the truth is we're not that close.  We each have friends that the other sometimes doesn't want anything to do with and sometimes doesn't even know. We're both pretty alike and when we get into fights (which hasn't happened lately because I see him maybe 6 times a year), it gets pretty ugly. When I see him at Lara's house and I say hi, I like hanging out with him, but it's more like talking to my friend's boyfriend than my cousin who I used to say was like my brother.

But for some reason, it still really upsets me. I believe my first words when I heard were "What the friggin fuck?!!!!" And then when my dad started yelling about his mediation statement, I just snapped. I yelled at him, I started crying (and I never cry anymore. I don't know why, lately it just doesn't happen), and I stormed out of the office to get some air, which was pretty embarrassing.

I don't know why it bugs me. I wish I did. I mean, we haven't been close in a long time, but it's like...I can still remember when we were. And I know it'll never be like that again, but sometimes in one of those few times I see him in the year, I catch a glimpse of that, and it makes my day. It feels like old times, you know. And now I don't get to see that glimpse.

I'll be okay. I always bounce back in time.
...Alex

I checked out Break No Bones and Bare Bones because those were the two Tempe Brennan books that stood out to me. I love the show and think Tempe Brennan is possibly the best developed character I've ever seen/read.  It was kind of sad that neither of the books had Booth or Angela or Hodgens though.  I really wanted to read the Crystal Method, but I couldn't find that one. So I settled for Break No Bones and Bare Bones.
Well, Amanda's reading Bones Buried Deep, and guess who's in it?
That's right. Booth, Angela, and Hodgens.
I soooooo need to read that book.
Went to MusicFest on Saturday. It was a capella, and I don't really like a capella, but I really wanted to get out. I talked a little to Scott and John and I talked the whole time, since neither of us liked the style of music.  Then when I went home, I couldn't stop smiling. 
I don't know how to explain it, but the Fokoorian boys make me happy.  I don't know that it's like I have a crush on any of them...I'm too confused to tell, but when I'm around them, I feel deliriously happy and it lasts for the rest of the day.  Is that really weird?
Well, I'm going to try to work on a story. Talk to everyone later.
Oh, and not that you care, but I'm going to be in Louisville from today through Friday, so I won't be home. I will, however be online. So that's probably why you don't care. Because most of my communication is online.
...Alex

<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#DDDDDD" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>You Have a Choleric Temperament</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#EEEEEE"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/whattempermentareyouquiz/choleric.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whattempermentareyouquiz/">What Temperment Are You?</a></div>

It's so funny...like a year and a half ago, I worked so hard to be in the loop with that particular group of people.  With "my theatre friends." I worked so hard to be more than just a tag-a-long with them,  to be a part of that group.  And I think there was this very very brief period of time when I felt like I'd reached my goal. But then Guys and Dolls ended and my mom told me I couldn't be in Hello Dolly.  And then when I had an opportunity to act again, I quit theatre. That hurt pretty bad for a while, because I was not only losing the theatre, but I was growing apart from a lot of the friends I'd had there. 
I would go to Jamie's house, and see them having fun at Lara's house.  Sometimes I'd say hi, but we never talked very long. It was like we were in two different worlds now.  Other times, I wouldn't even bother saying hi.  I'd just watch them, joking around, laughing. I didn't really watch in a creepy stalker way, I just...watched. To see if they noticed me. They never did.  That hurt, but I eventually got over it.
I still talk to Lara all the time. I think we actually might be closer than when I quit theatre. And Michael and I have IM'd a lot lately.  Oh yeah, and Leslie still gets ecstatic when she sees me.  And then one time when I was leaving Jamie's house, Lara, Michael, Nick and Tommy were having a picnic, so I stopped and "picnicked" with them for a while.  I'd never met Tommy before. He seems cool.  So I'm not trying to say they've all abandoned me and poormeI'msuchavictim.  But when I talk to Nick or Quinn or Claudia or a lot of the others, it's like there's nothing really to talk about.  I've changed a lot, and they really...haven't changed that much. Which isn't a bad thing. I needed to change, and maybe they didn't.  The point is that when I talk to them nowadays, I can definitely tell we're growing apart.
I'll was really bored on myspace and decided to read people's blogs. The stuff I read on there hit me hard.  There's so much I didn't know about what's going on in their lives. There's so much they don't know is going on in mine.  They never mention me and I hardly ever mention them. So it's just another set of friendships that I'm growing away from. 
I'm starting to really hate change you know that?
But I don't want to be one of those people who keeps waiting for things to go back to the way they used to be. Too much time's passed with me changing, and I know it won't. So I'm just trying to face that.

<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#DDDDDD" align=center>
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'>
<strong>You Are 74% Perfectionist</strong>
</font></td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="#FFFFFF">
<center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/areyouaperfectionistquiz/perfectionist-4.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center>
<font color="#000000">
You are a true perfectionist. You are both demanding of yourself and others.<br />
While it's great to have goals and standards, they don't need to be sky high!
</font></td></tr></table>
<div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/areyouaperfectionistquiz/">Are You a Perfectionist?</a></div>


huh. Sounds about right. But I don't hold my friends to QUITE as high of a standard as I hold myself. I hold them to a high standard, sure. They disappoint me, sure. But my standards for them are definitely lower than my standards for myself.

I just finished watching my first full ep of Supernatural. It's called "What is and What should Never be."  It's a really great show! The two brothers are amazing! And not just because of their looks. Their characters are great.   I loved these lines:

"Whatever stupid thing you're about to do, you're not doing it alone, and that's that."-Sam
"Why are you doing this?"-Dean
"Because you're still my brother."-Sam

Those lines were really great.  I don't know how to explain it, they just were.  Then the lines that came right after:

"Bitch."-Dean
"What are you calling me a bitch for?"-Sam
"You're s'posed to say jerk."-Dean
"What?"-Sam
"Nevermind."-Dean

These just reminded me of some of my friends, and even me and Seka do that alot.

Then:

"Dean, it wasn't real."-Sam
"I know. But I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay so bad."-Dean

That I could understand and I've never even been through anything traumatic. It's just, sometimes you get really depressed looking at what the world is like and you need something to escape to. Even if it's not real. It's so easy to get lost in because you don't want to go back.  That's why I roleplay and write.  So I can have my own world.

Welp, I think that's it. TTYL
...Alex

So I worked today to get some hours in before the paycheck comes out. And now...I'm incredibly bored.
Allie hasn't been on in ages.
Dannii has apparently been on, but has not bothered to say hi to me, even after I sent her an email first.
No one is giving me suggestions on what to do with my Dantana story, which means I can't update it.
But hey! Mary's on now. So maybe I can finally get this header for my lj. Okay, she says use three column layout. So that's what I shall do. 
TTYL.
...Alex